|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Should I even say I am a Buddhist anymore? I really don't know a lot about the religion, just enough to believe. Sometimes I think that is enough and that other Buddhist would not think that I am a bad Buddhist? I think it is just enough to believe and follow the way then judging others based on some kind of criteria. I also think that following and actually doing it means so much more than just simply going to the temple every weekend or something. Is that weird?
| | |
| Happy Lunar's New Year everyone!
Today started out pretty slow... Since I've been going to UGA.. I haven't done the usual festivities celebration of Lunar's New Year, which blows.
My aunt did some things and then went to the mall to return stuff.
We then went to the market to get her some food so she can cook some vegetarian stuff for her co-workers tomorrow because people go vegetarian on the first day of the New Year.
She and I were outside of Hoa Binh putting our stuff in the car. She went to my side of the car and I was puzzled..she told me the van next to us is backing out. I was putting things in the back seat when I heard a crunch and I looked at my aunt and we gave each other a look of.. "Oh man.. " We went over to the passenger side and saw the damage. I saw a cop drive by but then he went somewhere.. I was trying to call my dad but he wouldn't pick up. I then saw the same cop car parked somewhere and I walked towards him..he was busy with something because I said.. excuse me..but he didn't notice it.. so I waited a bit.. He then looked up and I told him I wanted to file a report.. he asked me "How long have you been there" I looked up and thought about it.. I told him for a minute.. he asked me why didn't I say anthing.. I just told him that he seemed busy.. then he told me to hang out..
He called up his partner to do the job... We filed it. Got our case number and left the scene.
I felt horrible about my baby. I felt horrible for the guy.
Both my aunt and dad told me just to think of it as.. releasing the bad luck for the year.
| | |
| I wish I can go back in time so that I can hold my tongue. I am suffering now because of it. It seems as if it can even be mended. I'm going to let it go on for a bit but I have to solve before I go back on campus because this is really killing me. The silence, the looks, I don't know what to say to make it right. Maybe the things we said can't be retracted. I mean the things I heard are still ringing in my ears. I couldn't even get out of my bed today because I was so depressed. I didn't know what to do. The next thing I knew it was time for bed. Times like this makes me think I should just.. disappear? I don't know. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm just pretty much taking up space and resources.
We all have times like this.. where we feel shitty. We all have times when we think about suicide but it passes and everything is okay. Then it just becomes a cycle.
--edit--
In the heat of the moment, we were definitely shouting at each other..shouting.. screaming...and I don't think we will ever be the same again. It scares the shit out of me. I've cried a lot since it happened. I've regretted. I don't know what to do. I want to say sorry but I am wondering if it will help at all. I need to change--for my sanity. Why does it hurt so much? Hearing what I heard. What was I thinking when I said those things. I guess things that were bottling inside had to come out. Wow. Bad timing. Why did I say that? Why didn't know when to stop? There was a line but I didn't even see it. I wish I can just say that I am sorry and everything will be okay. But I have a feeling it won't.
| | |
| Sometimes I think I must have some kind of mental disease. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Something has to be wrong. It's not normal. Then again, what IS normal?
Things shouldn't be kept in because one day.. it'll come out at the worst time.
I'll just take some time out to cry by myself under my desk.
| | |
| Finals are sucking. I have no attention span. Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Red Bull, and coffee does nothing to me. I sleep, I eat, I do everything but study. This has been a really tough semester. I'm gradually breaking down. I no longer have the motive. I study and then blank out on exams. What am I to do? It really isn't like I don't study. I do. I do. I know I just said I don't in the beginning but I do. It's just I feel like I don't study enough.
I need to take a time management class or something. Look around for some motivation lectures. I've started to listening to Buddhist lectures, chants, and other things to calm myself down again. Take my beads out at night and try to sleep because it takes forever for me to sleep.
| | |
|
